[ENG] Full of pain

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BerichtOnderwerp: [ENG] Full of pain za 4 aug 2012 - 14:34

f a e r i t h
i loved you to death
and now I'm begging you for absolution

We were both so young. Too young to realize and understand what was happening around us. There has always been said that love is blind, blind for the truth. Well, that are the words that synthesize my whole life. I was so deeply in love with her, that I actually also became too blind. I lost myself in the feelings that overwhelmed me, so deeply that I had almost surrendered myself to it. My feelings handled me, instead of me handling them. The desire to so much more became so huge that I became more and more afraid of having to let my feelings go. She had to become mine, and stay with me forever. I didn’t want to release her, not until my heart couldn’t beat fresh blood through my veins anymore. I protected her with my own life, made sure she had fresh food to eat, and gave her all the love I owned. But what I hadn’t seen, and should ‘ve seen, is that I limited her possibilities with that. It’s my fault that she made that horrible step, and till now, my soul is hit by the disgusting images. Her fall, her scream, the sound of her breaking bones against the cliffs. And still, every single day I carry the loss with me, as if she is still with me to remind me of what I’ve actually done. It puts pressure on me, but I can’t do anything else than accepting those images in my head. I don’t want to forget her, for that, she just was too valuable to me. She signs my life, and no other mare will ever be able to do the same.

With shuffling steps and without caring very much about lifting my feet from the ground, I move on. With wet eyes I go over the herd. I think it’s important to know your environment, before you can throw yourself in a fight to protect others. My body stiffens, whilst I’m hoping to remain unseen, when I remark another horse. I push my ears in my neck, as if it was an automatic reaction. I keep them there till the moment I can reassure myself that the horse has just walked by, without remarking me. I sigh, and stretch my neck. With my thoughts by Marilynn and drowned in my sadness, I don’t remark the fact, that the horse has turned towards me, and has started walking in my direction..

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years,
just to make you feel my love. <3
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[ENG] Full of pain

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